God is Always at Work!

As we come to the end of the year, I reflect on all that has happened this last year. As I look ahead, I think about what the year ahead holds for our family.  Several years ago, I had gotten away from the whole new year's resolution thing, and in recent years I had tried to choose one word to focus on the whole year. Unfortunately, I sometimes find myself forgetting what the word I have chosen is, especially at the end of the year, because I had yet to figure out the best way to incorporate that word into my everyday life. 

This morning I had the brilliant idea to look back at my blogs from the beginning of the year to see if it gave me any clue as to this year's word. So far I have not found it. I likely wrote it in my journal that is back "home" in West Africa. However, I found blogs revealing how God was working in my heart, preparing me for what came at the end of the year, just as the year had begun. 

"I am that Marred Piece of Wood."  God has an image of me, the way that He created me, which is marred by my sin. Thankfully, He does not leave me in that sin but rather continues to shape and mold me into the image He has of me. I have definitely felt like He has been chipping away at me to make me more like Himself. 

"Metamorphosis." Laws of nature prove that pressure and heat bring about refining and beauty. So why do we as humans tend to run from this law of nature? At the time, I was pondering a relationship that was not easy and I wanted to avoid, but it was a relationship which has brought much refining into my life. I had no clue how much refining God had in store for me, and He still has a long way to go.

"Human Being or Human Doing?"  I reflected on how God had grown me over the years from one who was constantly doing to one learning to be what the Lord would have me be. In this time of chemotherapy and surgery, I have had a lot more time to "be still and know" than I had planned. The learning to be rather than do I had experienced was merely scratching the surface of what the Lord longed to show me. 

"It's not About You!" I explored the fact that we often, even using scripture, comfort others with the idea that difficult situations will work out for our good. However, it really is not about us, not me, not you. It is about God receiving the glory!  Though I do not yet see the whole picture, I know this time is not about me but about His glory. 

God was working in my heart preparing me through various lessons for what would come later in the year.  God also laid it on the hearts of some to begin praying for us a month before going to the doctor, where the lump was found on ultrasound. We thought the prayers were for the busyness that we were in at the time. It has become clear that God was working to prepare support for us before we even knew we needed it. God is not ignorant nor does He make mistakes. God is always at work around us. I look forward to seeing how He is going to work in the year to come. 

This will likely be my last post of the year. While there were times in the year that I wrote little to nothing due to Internet issues, I was much more prolific in other months. I had a goal to blog weekly this year. This blog is number 52 for the year, which averages one a week. Thank You, God, for how You have worked in me this year. To You, alone, be the glory and dominion forever and ever, Amen!

Auld Lang Syne

Interpersonal Conflict. It seems to be something we all fall into at some point and yet most of us say we do not like it. Many of us struggle with it at this time of year, as we gather with family.  As we sing "Auld Lang Syne" on New Years, we sing about holding onto those long standing friendships and think of letting those conflicts go. 

I will not say always, but most often conflict is a two way street. Rarely is one side completely innocent when conflict arises. Maybe it is because we say too much. Maybe it is because we do not say enough. Maybe we are the offender. Maybe we are the offended. Maybe we simply enable one side or the other.  

Just a few months ago, I realized how I had offended someone several years ago. I honestly did not see the wrong in what I had done. In turn, the person responded in a way that hurt me. The relationship got into a bad cycle. Neither of us were innocent, and we both have admitted that.  

Two days ago, I was reading Philemon. What profound lessons in such a tiny book. 

Paul is commending Philemon on his love and faith toward Jesus Christ and all the saints. Yet, Paul felt compelled to plea with Philemon to welcome Onesimus, who had previously offended Philemon, or at minimum had been useless to him. Paul pleads for any offense on Onesimus' part to be charged to himself and pleads with Philemon to accept Onesimus for Paul's sake. It appears that Philemon, one full of love and faith, even had to be coaxed into forgiving a brother in Christ. It sounds as if Onesimus had come to faith in the meantime, but maybe he had just grown in his faith. 

It comforts me to know that one known for their love and faith might struggle with interpersonal conflict, letting go of past hurts, thus how much more do I struggle? Yet, I am challenged to let go of past hurts, not only for the sake of the brethren, but indeed for the sake of Christ Himself. 

To whom have I been Onesimus, having been useless or offensive to them, hoping to be accepted by them? To whom am I Philemon, that I would welcome them for the sake of the Gospel? To whom do I need to be Paul, that I might aid in restoration of the brethren? 

O, how I wish that I and the other person had talked out things earlier on and cleared up the miscommunication.  O, how I wish that I could redeem the time with that one. However I rejoice in the restoration that has come in the last few months, and I ask guidance on other relationships that still need the work of grace. 

"The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with your spirit."

He Longs To Do More!

This morning as I walked outside, I stepped into the mushy, soaked ground that resulted from the rains we have been having.  You know the kind, where the water in the grass and mud get between your toes. I was reminded of the story I read with Lydia-Ann last night as I put her to bed. We read the all familiar one about Moses leading the Israelites out of Egypt and into the wilderness.

The Israelites were fleeing the approaching Egyptian army.  The Red Sea lay before them. The Israelites were afraid. Moses was caught between a fearful people and trusting God. God commanded Moses to stretch out his hand. Then it happened.

The Sea did not draw back enough for the people to wade across.
It did not draw back enough for them to walk across.
They did not get mud between their toes.
No, they walked across on dry land.

God could have stopped earlier than He did, and the Israelites still be saved.  However, God chose to do more. We all have obstacles in our way. Many of us believe that God can remove the obstacle, but do we believe that He can really "make the ground dry"?  What obstacles do you have in your life?  He longs to do more! He longs to do imaginably more than all we can ask or imagine!

"Does That Mean Christmas Changes Too?"

Picture it. Alabama farm. 1943. The war is going on, but no difference on this farm other than the empty seat at the table for the brother off to war. Harvest time means the family can afford a bag of fruit, Hook cheese and soda crackers, a bag of walnuts and Brazil nuts, and a gallon of oysters. The 6 year old boy gets a puzzle of the United States to learn the states and their capitals.  Like every other year, Christmas was simple that year. 

The world is changing.

Picture it. Shreveport. 1946. The war is over. Everyone is coming home and in need of jobs. Couples that rushed to get married before they went off to war were in need of housing. Not enough housing. Not enough jobs. A family finds a place to stay with family out in the country.  They go chop down a pitiful tree in the field. The momma gets a job just before Christmas. She is given a bag of oranges. The little girl, age 6, gets a simple rubber ball wrapped in paper. A simple tree, a simple bag of fruit, and a simple gift. Christmas was simple that year.

The "world is changing, 

I'm rearranging,

Does that mean Christmas changes too?" 

Picture it. Shreveport. 2014. Family does not have all the nativity scenes that they generally put up, none but a simple one stored away in the back of the garage. The family does not have their three trees from "back home" with all of their decorations, only a simple one with a handful of ornaments they were given this year. The 9 year old girl talks about missing the way the family decorates. The mom agrees and tells her that she and dad miss the decorations too. However, they are glad for what they have and are glad to be together. 

"My world is changing,

I'm rearranging,

Does that mean Christmas changes too?"

Last month, I went to a class on coping with cancer through the holidays. One of the things they said is that this year, Christmas will be different than it has been in the past, and it is going to be different than Christmas in the future. (Enter ghosts of Christmas past, present, and future from A Christmas Carol.)  This year, the focus for us has to be on our healing.  I had already scrapped a lot of plans of things that I would normally want to do. We would not go to Marshall to see the Wonderland of lights. (sad face)  We would not go to Natchitoches to see the lights and fireworks. (tear)  We would not do a lot of things that I push us to do while in the states. 

This weekend, I began reflecting on what we were not doing and why. I began to think that pushing to do all those things when we are here only serves to add to the things we miss when we are not here. I began to think about what we do when we are overseas, why we do them, what makes them special, and wonder if we should not bring our overseas traditions to this side of the ocean. 

Overseas we have a candlelight Christmas service, because we want to worship the One whose birth we are celebrating. We invite our coworkers and other English speakers who would like to join us for this time. The service of scriptures and songs is followed by a meal with whoever is around. Being the hosts, we provide the most of the food and yet others bring something to add as well. After the meal, we spend time visiting and sharing our favorite Christmas memories.  We enjoy the wide group around us. The next day we may or may not see anyone else outside of our immediate family. Only our closest "family" might come over to see the children open their presents. Then we have a relaxed day of playing their new games and watching new movies and enjoying a restful day of reflection. 

What does that mean for this year? Still not totally sure. What will I be feeling up to doing, physically or emotionally? Still not sure.  I am hopeful that this may be our best Christmas yet, our most reflective, and make for new Christmas traditions that last for a very long time to come.  Maybe it will be the most we have ever reflected on the Savior whose birth we celebrate at this time. 

"Remember How Far You Have Come"

On a trip to Kenya almost four years ago, I got to feeling sick on our last night and was laying on the floor. A "friend" of mine took a picture of me. Since this is not the general picture I would take, I asked her why she did it. She said something along the lines of, "It's good to remember how you felt and how far you have come."

I cannot say that I am in total agreement with my "friend," but I am trying to remember that lesson today.

Today I go for a post-operative checkup with my plastic surgeon. He will unwrap the bandages and change the dressings over where I had surgery last week. I admit to being nervous about what that will look like. I am preparing myself for something traumatic.

However I am reminding myself of how far I have come. Last week I could not even get out of bed by myself.  In the wee hours of the morning today, I rolled out of bed to use the bathroom, took my medicine, and got back in bed all by myself. Last week, I was just happy to have someone else clean my face. Today, I was able to clean my face and even put on some make up. Though I had finished chemotherapy, not all my hair was gone, i.e. I had kept my most of eyebrows, eyelashes, and arm hair.  Now, I find that the hair on top of my head is already starting to grow back.

Cancer is a battle. Today, I have a feeling that I will feel like a wounded warrior.  Much like a soldier draws strength from his fellow soldiers, I will draw strength from my fellow warriors.
I will remember how far I have come.
I will press on!

Update: the appointment was not nearly as traumatic as I imagined. I think I pictured a sunken chest, not really sure why, maybe because I have seen that before in those ill overseas. However, my lungs and rib cage are just fine. Yes, there are scars and things do look different, but it was not nearly as traumatizing as I had prepared myself to see. Two of my five drains were removed, which was painful but showed progress.  So grateful for good reports.  Last week, I underwent a painful   procedure. This week, there are no cancer cells in my body. Where the cancer cells were in the lymph  nodes and breast were all removed. The only node with cancerous cells still post chemotherapy only measured 7mm. Bam!  Take that cancer!

Would You Rather...?

"Would you rather?" seems to be a popular game these days. We have bought the travel version of the board game for one of our children. (Shhhhh, don't tell. it's for Christmas.) We have friends overseas who play a game called, "Would you rather" Wednesdays to help their prayer supporters understand a little more about where they live. 

Going through chemotherapy is a lot like playing "Would you rather?" One has to make choices in how they will expend their energies, even more than normal.

For example, a single mom going through chemo with teenagers and young adults might need to use her energies to work to support her children, who are able to help her out more around the house. They do not need her constant care and are even able to care for her. Thus she would choose to use her energies to work, and then collapse once she gets home. 

Someone who loves to exercise might use their energies to get back to running.  That is obviously not me.

For me, I chose to save my energies for my children once they got home from school.  I would rest most of the time during the day so that I would have enough energy to help with homework. Since we are not homeschooling through this, helping with homework helps me to feel connected with them. They will sometimes say that they miss homeschool. However, I think they would sometimes rather me not oversee their homework, as many corrections as I find for them to make. 

Yes, as a result of chemotherapy, I have had to make choices about how to expend my energies. Sometimes I have been kept in check by a sweet lady at church telling me I am doing too much. 

However, we all make choices everyday about how to expend our energies and our time.  Though we might sometimes feel like things or people are stealing our time and energies, honestly, we choose how to spend them. During this time, my list of things to dedicate my energies to has been short. I am looking forward to the time I have more energy and can do more things, but I will still have to choose how I use it. 

So what would you rather??