(Warning: content may be uncomfortable for some readers.)
I would be lying if I said that I have never even faintly considered breast augmentation of any kind. After nursing three children for a year each and gravity taking its toll as I get older, I actually debated a few years ago on whether it would be something I would want. (Not to mention, living where it is so hot, that any extra piece of clothing I can eliminate would be a relief.) However, I came to the conclusion that I could not in good conscience have that type of surgery while trying to teach my daughters to love how God created them and their bodies. In addition, they are two of the three reasons why my body does not look like it used to, right? I also felt it was not prudent financially.
This July at my yearly physical is when the tumors were detected, and I was subsequently diagnosed. This was the same doctor who delivered both my girls. Two years ago at my checkup, this same doctor asked if we were done having children. I said we were. I had also been eating right and exercising, causing me to be the fittest and thinnest I had been in a long time. This doctor told me I should tell my husband to get me new breasts, since the children had taken mine away. (I texted this suggestion to a friend of mine who asked if I told the doctor to tell his wife to get him a new brain.) I knew that I had already privately been through this debate myself and was able to dismiss it.
Now two years later, I am fighting breast cancer and looking at a double mastectomy to make sure that all the cancer is removed and to reduce the chance for it to return in the other side. As a result, I am looking at breast reconstruction. While I know that having breasts does not define me as a woman, I do like having a feminine figure. I also know that my husband would love me either way, with or without breasts.
This week as I prepared for my appointment with my plastic surgeon, I began to debate which option would be best for my ministry and God's glory. Does God even care what I do about this? Would not having breasts but my husband still loving me be an opportunity for greater testimony as I return to West Africa? How can I think of something so "frivolous" when I am already so blessed medically compared to the options for the women where we live? Through the insight of my friend I mentioned earlier, I realized that most of the women would not even understand. It is not like they are going to see them anyway. For those that might understand, if they knew the option was there, they would probably wonder why I did not have it done. I drew the parallel for myself along the lines of air conditioning. The people there do not have it because they cannot afford it, but they think we are crazy if we do not have it. (Much simpler subject I know but still a topic of debate among coworkers.) If I have air conditioning to help me sleep to function better in ministry, then why not have reconstruction for my own mental well being to enable me to function better? The downside is that it possibly pushes our return to the field out a little farther. I was so not happy about this, but my husband reminded me that it is not my timing, but the Lord's. I was less than grown up in my response to him, but he was right.
So once again, as I checked in with my oncologist before my chemotherapy this week, he said all my levels were good and examined me for any sign of tumors. Despite much searching and pressure, he could not find them to measure them. My last chemotherapy is in two weeks, so he said scheduling surgery in four weeks would be great. It is currently scheduled for four and a half weeks, on December 9th, with my breast specialist who is the surgeon and with the plastic surgeon. I still have time to change my mind regarding reconstruction, but this is where I am at right now.
Your prayers are much appreciated as we approach surgery and for peace as we get closer to it. I have never been in the hospital overnight, with exception to giving birth to my children, so this does cause some concern, in particular for being away from my children and any anxiety they might have.
No comments:
Post a Comment