Have Fun and Spread Joy

The day before round three was a fun day. Rich and I attended a class on coping with cancer by having fun. Laughter is said to be good medicine and is actually as aid to boost the immune system. In our home, there is no shortage of fun, silliness, and humor. I had energy to attend church that evening, where everyone said how energetic I looked. Yes, it was time for my next treatment. 

The morning before all that fun started, I had a special visitor at my house. A nurse who formerly worked with cancer patients came by to pray with me. A special connection we have is that she had cared for my brother. She said she still remembered him 22 years later and the joy he had. She encouraged me to be a light in a place so darkened by cancer. I needed that encouragement from someone who has been on that side, to see my opportunity to brighten the lives of those caring for me.

I went Thursday, September 11th, for treatment and the doctor measured the tumors. The tumors had shrunk about 1cm each after just two treatments. That was great encouragement as I went down for round three. I went back Friday for fluids and immunity boosters. I was more intentional this time around to have joy than I had in the past. I took it easy Saturday to be ready for Sunday. 

I went to church for worship. I was so excited to be there, but I did not have enough energy to stand. However, I was filled with joy as I watched my children pour out their hearts in worship. I decided I would try to stay for small group.  I enjoyed being with my  friends, my brothers and sisters in faith. Unfortunately, a new side effect arose during group time. My best description was a hot flash. I did not know if it was from not drinking enough water or what else, but a friend brought me water and the flash persisted. I went home and rested the rest of the day. 

Rich had an opportunity to go visit with some of those same friends that evening. My mom came over to help care for me and the children. I wanted to have some good times with the children. While my mom helped care for the little one, I played Phase 10 with the big kids. Then we all played Disney Apples to Apples. It was good to have some special time with them. 

Monday and Tuesday I was so fatigued and rested. Wednesday I went with my mom to a session on women's cancers. Once again I had a hot flash. While a good session, I was done for the rest of the day, just too tired. However, Thursday I went back to the doctor for my labs, which were once again super. Once again, I tried to lighten the spirits of those around me. 

The next week was one of resting and yet seizing what energy I had. I had an evening date with Rich. I went to get a pedicure, where I met a woman whose father is being treated for pancreatic cancer. We celebrated Mariama's birthday. I cleaned house when I had energy and helped with homework when I was needed. I took advantage of a good day to go to lunch with my husband and run errands with the little one. 

I went back for round four this week. The doctor said that my lab work has been so good that I do not even have to go back next week to check in with him. I got to talk with fellow patients and laugh about hair loss. I got to talk with the man whose daughter I met at the nail salon.  I hopefully made things a little easier for those who cared for me this week. 

As a reminder to us all, whether we are at a cancer center or a place of employment, we are all surrounded by people who are consumed by the worries of this world. Maybe they are keenly aware of their mortality and maybe they are not. None the less, people need to know the hope that we have. We watched "God's Not Dead" for the first time yesterday. The young lady got news that she had cancer. She lacked hope. I was burdened for her. I cannot imagine this battle without my faith. Seek today to bring joy where you go, for you do not know who needs some hope for tomorrow. 

Spiritual Lessons from the Lion King

As with all analogies, this one one is likely to have its flaws at times, but here are a few lessons that occurred to me this week. Do not ask how it came about, because I really do not know. Maybe it was reading about Daniel in the lions' den. Maybe it was listening to my children sing "Roaring like a Lion".

As with so many things in things in the Word, an item can have both a good and bad connotation. Secrets, for example from my study on Sacred Secrets, can be either bad, as most of us probably initially think, or good, as the Word uses it in the Gospels. The Lion is a symbol of the Holy One. However, our adversary, "the devil, prowls about like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour." I picture a Moustapha persona for the Holy One, and a Scar persona for the adversary.

First lesson or illustration was Moustapha standing atop Pride Rock and all the animals bowing as the heir is presented. It brings to mind Jesus' birth. Every people, nation, tribe, and tongue were represented in the range from shepherds to wise men who came to worship the Messiah.

Second, Jesus was not going around singing, "I can't wait to be King," but he did have a firm grasp on whom he was to serve, even at the age of twelve when he was about the work of the Father.

Third, I love the illustration of the hyenas saying the name Moustapha. They hear it and shudder. They know the power that is in the name, just like the demons who serve the adversary know the power in the Holy Name, for there is only own name by which man may be saved.

Fourth, the adversary's tactics are similar to that of Scar. Scar made Simba think he was guilty and drove him out of the pride. While the adversary was not as successful in taking out Jesus, he did try to bring Jesus down. Nonetheless, the adversary is very proficient at using this tactic on the people of God. He makes them feel guilty and it drives them out of the fellowship, where he "devours" them.

Fifth, "Hakuna Matata" does not really work because we know we will have trouble in this world. The rain falls on the just and the unjust. However, we are told to cast all our anxieties on The Lord. We are reminded in Matthew 6 that The Lord cares more for us than the sparrows who toil not and yet eat. So it is not that there is nothing in our world that could cause us to worry, but we choose to trust Him rather than worry.

Sixth, I actually do believe that stars are big balls of gas, rather then the kings of the past guiding us. The illustration though brings to mind Hebrews 12:1 in which we are admonished to lay aside every encumbrance and run with endurance the race set before us since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, those who have been called faithful in the sight of The Lord. We can take heart in our daily struggle to be faithful as we remember others who persevered in their faith.

Finally, once again the King takes His rightful place and all kneel before the King. This imagery is a shadow of the day that all heaven and earth will give glory and honor for all eternity to the King who is high and lifted up.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Feeling the Love

I realized as I sat here with my family this evening how little I expressed their love and encouragement in the midst of all of this, particularly regarding the losing of my hair. A four year old's honesty also comes with the compliments of my head wraps or my hair piece. William cuddled up next to me last week during family movie night and told me how much he loved me, hair or no hair. Mariama compliments whatever I have on my head. With my children, I almost always have my head covered. I can name on one hand the people outside of my immediate family who have seen me without my hair.

However, my best friend and love of my life has seen me many times without anything covering my head and loves me tenderly. He likes the head wraps as it reminds him of Senegal. He likes the sassy attitude the prosthesis gives. In the evenings with the kids in bed, when it is not too cold, he sees my head uncovered and caresses me. He tells me daily how beautiful I am, make that multiple times a day.

We joke that it is because of our 80's influence, be it Sinead O'Connor or Demi Moore from G.I. Jane or Annie Lennox of the Eurythmics. He jokes how unfair it is that I can still look better than him, even bald.

Nonetheless, he is near and dear and walking through this with me hand in hand. I could not be more grateful for the man that God placed in my life. I love you, Rich Finch!

It's Just Hair, Right?

A week after round one, I began anticipating my hair falling out. I woke up each day with expectancy that this would be the day. I had even cut my hair short to make it easier, but it continued to hang in there.

I went back for round two. The doctor said he could already feel the tumors shrinking some, but he did not measure. We were encouraged and went downstairs for the treatment. Still being newbies to all of this, I had forgotten to get a test run when I got my labs done, so they had to do that before we could proceed. It was a longer day than we expected. Overall I still felt pretty well. I went back the next day for my fluids and my immunity booster. Once again I was still feeling good overall.

Saturday morning, Rich lead the kids in getting chores done around the house. Mariama had done a great job of mopping. Then I had energy enough to go get ready for the day. While in the bathroom, I realized that my hair was beginning to shed. With each run of my fingers through my hair, more came out. It was not a lot, but it was consistent throughout the day. I had a choice to make.

Two possible scenarios presented themselves. First, I have so much hair that it would be a while before anyone really noticed that it was coming out. Second, I have so much hair that it was going to be a big mess until I got rid of it all. Not wanting to mess up the house my children just cleaned and with encouragement from others who had walked this road before me, I agreed to let my husband shave my head. He volunteered to do it out of love and knowing I would be beautiful either way. We made it a family affair by having the children take pictures and short videos as the hair fell.  Rich lovingly caressed my head as my hair fell to the floor.

Then covered with little hairs, I decided it was time for a shower. As I rubbed my head where hair used to be, tears streamed down my face. Through the tears and water, I felt encouragement wash over me. "The hair will come back but the cancer will not." I looked at the port in my chest and felt my head. I knew this was just the beginning of many changes to come in my body through this battle, and yet I gained strength to face whatever will come. Feeling drained of physical energy, I went to lay down on our bed.

With it being Saturday night, it was time for the children to all take their showers and wash their hair. Rich said something to them about everyone needing to wash their hair. Mariama made a cute remark to Rich about his not needing to wash his hair, since his was all shaved off as well. William followed up a short time later with the fact that I did not need to wash mine either. I heard Rich take William to his room for a talk. When I saw Rich, I told him it was ok, that William was just stating the facts. Rich was not sure how sensitive I would be. William was not talking about how I looked, just stating a fact. It was funny. One cannot take one's self too seriously.

I wore a headwrap to church on Sunday. My next few days were my tired days. I felt better by Thursday, when it was time to go back for my lab work. My mother went with me to the doctor. He was able to tell her that I was his star patient because my labs were so good.

I went later that morning to look at head covering options, including cranial prostheses, also commonly known as wigs. I was not real sure but I warmed to the idea, especially after Lydia-Ann had said I did not look pretty without my hair (the honesty of a four year old) and Mariama thought it would be nice for me to have (the gentle love of my girly-girl). I went the next day with my husband, who had far too much fun with the idea. I chose a prosthesis and wore it the rest of the day. I began to get used to covering my head again like I do in Senegal as well as alternating with the prosthesis. Wednesday, everyone commented on how energetic I looked. "Of course I do, which means it is time for my next treatment."

As one of those who has walked this road before me reminded me, Luke 12:7 says, "Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear; you are of more value than many sparrows."

Good and Bad News

While in the midst of changing game plans, we were also getting the big kids enrolled in and tested for their new schools. William tested at level with others in the same grade, even in math. We were a year behind in homeschool due to skipping kindergarten, yet he scored an 8 out of 10 on the level we had not yet done.  Mariama got tired on her first day of testing, so the counselor let her finish on a different day to ensure accurate results for her. They did not have official results for Mariama, but they were certain enough that she passed adequately to go ahead into fourth grade. They both started school on Monday with all their other friends. Both situations quickly proved to be the right place for each of them. Also on Monday, we got a call about a potential school placement for Lydia-Ann that was beyond anything we could have planned. The longer class days would prove to be perfect timing for me to make all of my doctor appointments and rest in the off times. She was evaluated on Tuesday and started on Thursday that same week.

Wednesday I went to the hospital for an outpatient procedure to have a port installed and have a lymph node removed. The port allows easier access for the chemotherapy. The lymph node was in need of biopsy to determine the extent of the cancer. My breast specialist was the surgeon. I went home to rest after a couple of hours, because the next day was going to be big.

Thursday, Rich and I went to the cancer center to begin my first day of chemotherapy. I did my lab work and saw the doctor. I checked in for my treatment and was taken to my own little cubicle. I have not been a fan of needles, and though I would not call myself a fan, I can at least say I am getting used to them. I went home exhausted, but not as bad as I expected.

Friday, I went back in the afternoon for the administration of fluids and an immunity booster. Once again I went home exhausted. On the way home, I got a call from my specialist. It was both good news and bad news. The results from the lymph node biopsy had come back. The node was positive for cancer. This would mean radiation in the future, but it also meant we made the right decision by starting the chemotherapy when we did.  She seemed to believe it was not extensive in the lymph nodes, but either way our game plan was correct. Though it would mean longer in the states, it at least meant we were doing the right things. Mostly I just slept those few days. This schedule for Thursday and Friday would become my norm for every other week.

Saturday it was time for a new look. I wanted to keep what hair I had until the day it would start falling out, which I was assured would happen. However, I did not want it to be so long that the mess would be insane when it did start to fall out. I had a precious friend from church who came over to cut it for me. It was short enough to manage easily and yet long enough to still need to style a bit.

Sunday, I went to church. I felt good enough to stay for both the worship time and the small group time. I was blessed with lots of hugs and encouragement. I rested that afternoon, and then felt strong enough to go back in the evening. Both unfortunately and fortunately, the emphasis that night was looking at how to be involved in spreading the Good News around the world. I confess, most of it was just plain painful, as it rubbed salt into the wound of wanting to be somewhere other than here. I loved hearing the news about what was going on in other parts of the world, but I was wishing I was not here to hear it.  However it ended with a prayer time.  Though I wanted to go pray over others who were going out soon, I was surrounded by people praying over us for this time here, voicing the thoughts I had about wanting to be elsewhere. Though I had not spoken a word, others knew how to pray for us. The Spirit indeed is a wondrous gift to us, leading us in how to pray when we do not know how to pray.

The next week was full of resting and keeping what energy I had reserved for when the children came home from school. Oh and there was that hamburger incident. Rich went to pick a burger from Five Guys' to satisfy my craving, but it was so much that I made myself sick eating. (I have not craved a burger since that day, though we did enjoy them for Labor Day.) I went just to get my lab work checked. It was great, so Rich and I celebrated with a nice date out. I even went to the pool that weekend with friends and family. The port that I kind of expected to be an issue was none at all. Other than fatigue and some minor stomach issues and recovering from the surgery, this seemed a little too easy. Then again, it was just round one.