De-Cancer my Life

I find myself very overdue for a blog. A lot of that results from the flu, which I had two weeks ago, when I should have been blogging. At the very end of my radiation I got the flu. It did not help that I had done way too much the week before, so my immune system was worn down. I begged the doctor to let me finish radiation anyway, especially since I had already carried the flu there when I thought it was merely exhaustion. 

After four and half days of being quarantined to my room for the flu, I was so glad to be free. I set out to clean everything in my room to rid it of flu germs. I washed all the bed linens and cleaned the bathroom. I even wiped down the fan.  This cleaning spread the next day to the whole house. I was ready for the house to be refreshed. At first it was from the flu. Maybe the open windows made me want to bring spring to everything. However, as I worked, I realized that I really wanted to de-Cancer the house. 

I was no longer going to be tired like I had been. I was now free to do what I wanted with my schedule, rather than being tied to the cancer center. I was ready to care for my family like I wanted to do.  I had lost half of my chemotherapy weight, and I wanted to be rid of the clothes I had associated with this time. 

Though it all sounds like a lot of work, it was not really all that hard to do. It was all fairly easy to "undo."  Unfortunately the emotional roller coaster my family and I have been on the last eight months is harder to overcome. The kids had so many changes to deal with and occasionally became overwhelmed by small things.  My husband as caregiver was a rock on the outside, but I know that inwardly he struggled watching me fight a battle he could not keep from me. My emotions were at times unpredictable. Despite trying to keep them under control, I confess there were times they got away from me. 

Sometimes encouragement to stay grounded came from a nurse who shared how hard it is for the medical personnel with whom I would come into contact. Sometimes gentle touches from my children would soothe me. Sometimes it was an unexpected gift, like a souvenir or scarf or CD. Often the meals others provided to care for my family helped me to know it was ok that I could not. Being able to celebrate the end of chemotherapy boosted me along. My parents have been a huge help, as well, to balance.  At other times, I would be so frustrated and yet unable to clearly present my argument, that my husband would have to calm me down.  Unfortunately, at the end of both our emotional ropes, something would be done or said that would hurt another. 

If only those moments could be as easily cleaned up as my house!  

My heart broke last night over one of these moments. I want to make things right, but I just don't know how.  (Please pray with me about this relationship to be made right.)  Then as I contemplated that situation, the words to the song we sang to close the service became so loud in my ear. 

"When Satan tempts me to despair and tells me of the guilt within,

Upward I look and see Him there, who made an end to all my sin.

Because the sinless Savior died, my sinful soul is counted free,

For God the Just is satisfied to look on Him and pardon me,

To look on Him and pardon me."

I am not perfect.  I make lots of mistakes.  I get offended, and I offend others. Sometimes I know it.  Most times I don't and need help to keep myself from repeating offenses.  But praise be to the One who made an end to all my sin on Calvary's tree, so that I do not have to be enslaved to the sin nor the guilt that Satan would like to mount!  O the freedom!  

Thankfully, we cannot celebrate the cross if that is where the story ends. The Cross is empty without the Resurrection.  Ready to celebrate tomorrow morning!