Beatitudes from the Beach

As Robert Frost penned, no day on the coast is ever the same. One day has a high sand bar and the next does not. One day has a lot of seaweed and the next is completely clear. Today's sand castle is gone tomorrow, or at least by next week. Yesterday's shark sighting is replaced by today's stingray. Yesterday's shell expedition is replaced with today's crab hunting. Today's footprints will change the sand for tomorrow. First, savor the good day, because you will not get this day back, and hold on when it is a bad day, because change is coming. Second, we choose what kind of footprints we leave on other's lives, so let us choose wisely today. 

Moms do not get a vacation. Best job in the world but never a day off. Kids still have to be fed and dressed, have boo-boos to be kissed and rashes to treat. They still have to be reminded not to run around the pool or watch that they do not jump on their brother. Kids still need help choosing wisely from the menu and to know that the fro-yo place is a cafeteria, not a buffet. They need to be reminded to carry their hat to the beach, jackets to restaurants, and make up beds so they do not get sand in them. Thankful for the recent empty nester mom on the lounge chair next to us that reminded me how soon the time will pass. In twenty years, I can stay on the beach and read as long as I want, but for now, I will go to the pool instead if that is what all the kids want to do. 

Speaking of kids, I have the best ever! I know I am biased, and I am ok with that. Without William, I would live a life of ignorance. He retains everything he reads and learns. Though I wanted to believe it was a dolphin passing in front of our condo, he explained why it had to be a shark instead. Though I knew I spotted a ray, he was able to tell me that it was a stingray. Though it was me that caught three blue crabs, he was able to tell which was oldest based on the barnacles on its shell and which was a female based on the shape of the shell. He constantly has information to share, not as a know it all but just informative. He also makes friends so easily. He learned how to skim on the waves a little from an older teenager with whom he made friends and got a YouTube to follow from a girl he started talking to on the beach.  He is awesome! 

Without Mariama, my life would be boring. She adds flair to everything! While I sometimes have to ask her to put the drama on pause, the world really is her stage, as Shakespeare said. When she is waiting for everyone, she pretends she is skyping with friends. She picked out a lovely scarf last week and learned to tie and wear it as a cover up, much more flowy than the shorts I had for her. She does not just eat a snack, she savors every morsel. She does not just play in the pool, but rather makes it into a dinner and a show. She does not just build a castle in the sand, but she builds a sand cake and serves it up. She does not always mean to be bossy when she is telling whose turn it is to press the elevator button, but rather she wants everyone to get a turn and not feel left out. When she wants to ask the waiter or waitress a question about the meal, it is not to show disrespect to the adults with whom she is eating but simply her growing up.  The manager at Ward's was impressed with how she handled herself.  She fills my life with fun!

Without Lydia-Ann, I would feel old. She still loves to cuddle when she wakes up and is just generally sweet. She has a joy of life that makes anything fun and an independent spirit that makes her fine with or without playmates.  She also is super smart, already learning her math facts.  Four has been my favorite age across the board for all of them, however, their personalities were only really beginning then. I was sad when she turned five, that I will not have a four year old again. Now seeing how fun and interesting the other two are, I look forward to seeing who she turns out to be.  She makes me feel young!

I have lots of mommy fails and miss things in my children's lives, but I hope I never fail to appreciate the uniqueness of each. 

Drying Up

Just three months ago, this scene was very different. It was full, so full that it was overflowing. We had so much rain in the spring that we literally had flooding in our city. The Red River flooded and stayed that way for a long time. This drainage ditch flooded but then drained enough to not overflow continuously. It was so full that it almost seemed hard to remember what it looked like empty or believe that the water would ever completely recede again. Yet, the water has receded and almost completely dried up. The ducks and egrets have enough water to play in but not so much that they will be swept away. Will it completely dry up? 

As I walked and observed this yesterday, it reminded me how I felt earlier this year. In January and February, I was still slow moving from chemotherapy and surgery. I could not get out and do a lot, so I got to spend a lot of time reading and studying God's Word. My time in His presence was so sweet that I never wanted it to end. I was full to overflowing like that drainage ditch was in May.  Yet, I did want to be more involved in my children's lives. As I recovered, I got busy being involved with them and their schools, such that those sweet times of being in God's presence got less and less. Sometimes, especially lately with all the preparations to go back overseas, I begin to feel like I am drying up like this ditch. Water is still flowing but a whole lot less. 

Which one should it be, flood or drying up? While I yearn for that time with the Lord, I missed terribly being involved in life. While I love that I am able to be involved with my children and help my husband, I miss being filled up to overflowing. Unfortunately, this becomes daily life for so much of us, the dried up place. Maybe that is why others do not see Jesus shining through us, because we only have a small stream of Him. What should it look like? 

Well, the Psalmist, in Chapter 23, says that God "restores my soul" and "preparest a table for me in the presence of my enemies, my cup overflows." Overflows! Then the Psalmist in chapter 114 says,"7 Tremble, O earth, at the presence of the Lord, at the presence of the God of Jacob, 8 who turns the rock into a pool of water, the flint into a spring of water."  If the Lord will turn a rock into a pool and a flint into a spring, surely I am to be no less.  

So how do we find a balance? We must carve out time to be in His presence, to allow Him to refresh us. The Spirit of the Lord is enough, yet if we are not still for Him to pour into us, it will be hard for our cup to overflow. Those looking at my life from the outside may think my Lord is not enough because I am drying up, but it is not His fault if I am not being still to be renewed and filled. So I must remain filled for my own peace of heart as well as for the sake of His Great Name! 

O Lord, fill me up to overflowing! Don't let me dry up!

A Year Later

I wrote this blog last week but then did not post it. So, the days are actually two weeks ago now, but you get the idea. 

One year. 365 days. Has it really been that long? Has it only been that long? 

Last Monday was one year since I left Senegal.

Last Tuesday was a year since my first Mammogram and biopsy. 

Last Thursday was a year since I got the official diagnosis of cancer. 

Saturday was a year since I first talked with my doctor about the options regarding surgery.

Yesterday was a year since I saw some of my family for the first time post-diagnosis and saw a friend whose mother had been through breast cancer twice. 

Today is a year since I first worshipped post-diagnosis and was encouraged by another survivor that this would be my journey, not someone else's.

A year ago tomorrow, my family left Senegal to join me here. 

Some days seemed to never end. I feel like I missed out on a lot with my children. In some ways the year seems like a blur, going by so fast and me not remembering all of it. On the other hand, I am grateful for those who stepped in to help with meals and transporting children, so that Rich could care for me and I could help the kids when I was able. I am thankful for the people we have met this year, who have blessed us beyond measure. 

So how am I doing? 

I do not have as much energy as I did a year ago, but I have so much more than I did earlier in this process. Thus I have to choose carefully on what I will spend my energy. I have slowed down, for which my husband is probably thankful. I have learned to give more responsibility to my children regarding caring for the home, for which they are probably not so thankful. 

I have hot flashes as a result of my treatments, but I am managing those.  

I sometimes begin to say something but then get flooded with thoughts, so I have to pause to gather my thoughts to speak clearly, and even stumble at that point. I tend to be forgetful. Both of these I attribute to what is called "chemo brain."

I am mostly recovered from surgery, but tight hugs still hurt, as I found out yesterday.

I am still having trouble remembering to take my medicine every day, but I am getting better. 

A year later, through everything, I am more certain than ever, that my God is able! I shared how God had laid the story of Shadrach, Meshack, and Abednego on my heart. My God is able to deliver me, but even if He does not, I will not bow to another. Through everything, my source of peace has been Jesus. No other name under heaven by which we can be saved and no other name promises assurance of eternal life. I had peace through everything this year knowing where I would go if I did not beat the cancer. I had peace knowing that God would care for my husband and children if I were not here to do so. (Truly He is the One caring for them daily even when I am here.)   Because I did not have to worry about the outcome, I was able to have peace throughout the journey. I was drawn closer to Him through His Word as I went through chemotherapy and surgery. Knowing Him, there is no greater thing!