This is too much!!

Recently, I came to the point of saying, "This is too much!!"  I didn't just say it once, but actually came to that point at least 3 different times in one month.

I am a people-pleaser by nature.  I struggle terribly if I know someone is upset about something.  I think of every reason in the world why someone may be upset.  I have been freed from this by the love of the Father and freed to please just Him, but it does not mean that it does not still run through my mind.  The longer it goes unresolved, the worse it is.

Working with other people and personalities can be difficult.  Trying to communicate is a challenge because you have stuff going on in the speaker, stuff in the hearer, and stuff going on around that clouds things.  I had done something that had offended a team mate.  Due to various circumstances, we were not able to resolve things for a time, waiting for us to be in the same place to talk.  In the end I had offended in spite of trying to not offend in a different way.  I love the foot-in-mouth taste!

Then I had to sit down with a local sister.  Over the course of the last year, I had made a number of cultural mistakes that had offended her and others.  I have no idea how many others I had offended because I was culturally unaware.  It is a reminder that it is not enough to learn another language.  Language is the least of our differences.  It hurt my heart to know that I had offended her and that she had been bearing all of this so long. 

As if all that had not been enough, I had spent so much time getting ready for and starting home school that I admittedly gave scraps to my husband.  When we did spend time together, I was so tired and grumpy that I was not pleasant to be around. I had a terrible case of cabin fever as well from focusing on it so much as well.  As a result our marriage relationship was strained, though I was trying my best with what I had left over.  But that was just it, leftovers.

In just about every relationship possible, I had come to the point of it just being too much.  In every instance, too, it was almost completely me.  I needed to get out of my tunnel vision.  I needed to set my sights on the One above all of those little things.  "Be Thou My Vision"  When I am worried about my stuff, I inevitably fall.  When I focus too much on others and worry about saying or doing every little thing just right, I fail.  When my eyes are set on Him, my paths are made smooth.  Help me, Father, to seek You and Your Kingdom first.

We have abandoned....

This is the follow up to "This is why we are here" and "Some who have never heard have now heard."

I had gone with a local sister on a Thursday in May and answered a lot of questions for a gentleman. Then we went back as a family to share with the entire village the following Tuesday in June.  The response had been, "Thanks but no thanks.  Don't call us; we'll call you."  So we waited.  We waited for four weeks.  Then out of a need to just check on them, we called on a Tuesday. 

The response was "I am so glad you called.  I wanted to call but had no phone credit.  Please come back and share more."

So we went back on  the first Saturday in July.  We were running a little later than we had planned and saw storm clouds as we approached the village.  We were afraid we would have to excuse ourselves after just arriving if the rain actually began to fall.  Before we could say anything, the people gathered were quick to tell us we would have to leave if the rain came.  The only good road to get there would be covered over if too much rain came.  They asked us to please get started quickly before the rains did.  We got through the story and covered a comprehension question or two.  The rain began.  They thanked us and told us we needed to leave.  As we left a little boy "greeted" our truck by running into it while running.  Thankfully God kept the little boy from getting seriously injured.

We returned the next week.  We planned to review the story from the previous week and were ready with a new one as well.  Those gathered listened politely enough but still seemed distracted.  They asked if we had any tapes or books in their language.  We had a few.  We gave them what we had.  Then they asked about us having people from other villages come to meet with them, but it would mean changing the time we were going out there normally.  That was no problem for us.  However there was a problem.  They were wanting to invite the people to come mid-morning.  But then the group that was meeting would be expected to provide lunch for the guests.  The house we have been meeting at though is headed by a widow and her son who is a youth.  The men most faithful to meeting do not have the means to provide food for so many people, especially at this time of the year. (Last year's crops have run out and this year's have not yet come.)  They were asking for us to provide the food.  It would take too much space in this already long blog to explain, but the short version is that we were uncomfortable providing for everyone.  We would provide for ourselves and a little more.  We suggested that maybe everyone that came could bring a little to be cooked together there.  We promised to pray about it and get back with them later in the week.

We called them to say that we could not help at this point but that we would be there on Saturday to talk with them. Once again we went prepared to review the stories of the previous weeks.  Before we could even begin, the men that gathered obviously had something on their minds. 

They asked us the same question they had asked us every other time.  We thought we had answered the question but obviously not if they were asking it again.  "How do we enter The Road?"  We talked about believing and praying and having faith.  We thought they were asking for the 5 things they had to do, as they were used to doing.  We said they had to choose to follow just one way because you have two feet but can only be on one road.  They agreed.  We told them there was not a quick list to check off.  Rich drew two parallel lines in the sand to show the idea of them not being the same and choosing.  One of the men, politely, changed Rich's picture to perpendicular lines.  He then wiped away the other one saying, "We have abandoned the other way.  We are on this road."

So the question actually was not about entering but rather how or what it means to be on it.  We answered a lot of questions and read a lot from The Book about what it means to be Family.  They have already been out sharing but were having problems with taking care of their fields as well.  We explained that they could share the load of sharing at other villages.  If each agreed to go to a different village, none would have to leave their fields for more than an afternoon or so.  They agreed that this was doable. 

The rains have now come and the road to get to this village is barely above water, at our last visit.  In addition, when it isn't raining they are needing to be at their field.  Please lift up these men to be bold in the time until we can get out to them again.  Lift up the literal and spiritual fields to be abundant in harvest.  Also lift these men up that they may not be swayed nor distracted from the Truth. 

A broken and contrite heart.

Today's lesson came through my child, although I guess a lot of my lessons do.  Yesterday Mariama had a hard time obeying, specifically her daddy.  It was not new stuff but a handful of things all on the same day.  Daddy had given her a direct order, but then she disobeyed as soon as daddy stepped inside.  She has specific boundaries of where she can play outside and she is only to be out there when one of us is there to watch her.  She ran from the back courtyard to the front and out the door.  I stepped out to say she needed to come back since we were not out there.  Not only had she gone outside, but she had gone beyond the boundaries.  Then last night as they went to bed, she was playing as Rich put them to bed.  He told her to stop but she did not.  After a couple of warnings, she was made to get in her bed rather than sleep on the cushions they had laid on the floor.  She had her immediate punishment, but something more needed to be done after the repeated disobedience of the day.

A few weeks ago Mariama and Lydia-Ann had gone over to our househelper's house to play.  Mariama had asked if they could go again sometime.  I told our househelper how much Mariama was wanting to go again.  Thursday our househelper said she wanted to take all three of the children on Saturday morning.  We agreed as long as all of them were well.  However, after yesterday's behavior, we just could not trust Mariama to behave out of our sight if she could not do so in our sight.  Thus we allowed William and Lydia-Ann to go today but Mariama stayed home.

I had to make it clear to Mariama that this was not going to be playtime with Mommy and Daddy.  This was a consequence of her actions.  No buying treats at the market run which needed to be made.  No going to drive on the airport runway when going to dump the bag of dirty diapers.  No tea parties.  No fun.  Chores and playing by herself were on the agenda.  Even at that, I started to worry that the point was not being made.  As lunch time approached though, she fell into tears about missing William.  She was lonely without him, and she was having to do chores while he was having fun.  I asked her if it felt good to be as sad as she was.  She said that it was not good. I told her that her daddy and I felt just that bad if not worse yesterday when she disobeyed.  She seemed to understand then, but only time will tell.

As hard as it was for me to see my little girl hurting, I knew that it would take a moment of brokenness for her to be truly repentant.  Isn't that the way it is for me though?  If I am in my sin and I get a slap on the wrist or even a little "spanking" that hurts for brief moment, I em quick to return to it.  However if the pain I feel brings me to tears and brokenness, I am more likely to actually change my ways.  Some people mistakenly think God relishes the times that we are broken.  I think instead that His heart breaks just as mine did to see Mariama so sad.  Rather it is the restoration of relationship that He relishes.  (As a disclaimer, I am not saying that all times that we are broken and come to tears is due to our sin.  Sometimes it is due to the sin of others.  But sometimes it is our sin, and it is this that I am speaking of now.)