A Widow's Grieving

No, I have never been a widow. It must be hard, no matter where in the world you live.

I can only imagine how hard it is to lose my mate and have all my dreams of growing old together shattered or the person I have spent a lifetime with no longer be with me. I have known some really amazing widows. Some watched their husbands battle difficult illnesses, only to one day succumb to the enemy of the body. Some had their husbands, still young, die suddenly while in the course of every day life. Some struggled to make sense of a husband's suicide. Some were young and just starting out in life. Some were in the midst of raising a young family, so they were left as a single parent. Some had lived a lifetime with the love of their life, and then they had to learn to live life without that person by their side day in and day out.

Watching Jennifer has given me a whole new level of admiration for widows in general and pity for the women here. The customary mourning by a widow lasts no less than forty days, at which time there is another day of remembrance for the dead. Some of the people groups will then consider the time of mourning over. Other people groups will extend the widow's mourning for a total of four months and ten days. I have heard of one widow who mourned for ten months. As I understand from other widows, the grieving process never really ends, as with most issues of loss, but the mourning process I speak of is very specific.

The widow will sit for the entire time. She might lay down at times during the day and will do so at night, but otherwise she is sitting. She sits against a wall, never crossing the doorway. In villages where she only has one room, she will sit in that one room. In town, where she might also have a living area, she sits in the living room and has some freedom to move about from the living room to the bed room as necessary, but otherwise, she sits. She sits with back against the wall and legs straight out in front of her. She sits.

No going to the store.
No seeing the sun.
No seeing the moon and stars.
No visiting a friend.
No working.
Sitting.

Either someone from her family or her husband's will always be with her. Other customs apply and may vary between peoples, such as a relative coming to wash the widow once or twice a week throughout the period of mourning. After the 40 days, often the husband's family will divide up his clothes among the family members.

Otherwise, sitting.

Not all bad, though, as I have observed. When people come to greet the widow, particularly those who were unable to make it during the first week, they tell their story about how they heard about the death and why they were unable to come earlier. Then the widow recounts the days leading up to the death, particularly if it was the result of an illness. People do not rush her. She is able to tell her story and they listen. While that must get terribly difficult to retell at times, I am more aware of how little our culture listens. We often do not want them to have to retell because of fear of bringing up the pain, but deep within we also do not want to take the time to listen or imagine that it was our loved one. They do not have grief counsellors. They have family, friends, neighbors, and acquaintances.

Tuesday will be day 40 since Jennifer's husband died. She hopes to be able to request to at least move to sit at her mother's home. Pray that she will have wisdom to know how and when to ask permission and that she will find favor with with her husband's family. Jennifer is sitting.